so Ray called me yesterday and wanted to "explain".
He said she didn't mean nothing and swears he did nothing with her and that he was so drunk he didn't know what happened to his phone and that he left it on his lap and was knocked out because he was so drunk. He admitted to pulling the same girl who called me number the few days we weren't talking to each other and said he talked to her on and off. I can't believe he went to a party on what was supposed to be our 11 month anniversary and didn't even bother to try to take me out or celebrate it with me. All of our arguments where started because he never has time for me but he has time to go to a party? I was pissed off. I told him now he can just keep on talking to that girl and she can have him. I told him "I'm fuckin done with you" I put up with so much shit from and this was it. Whether he was telling the truth or not, I just know I'm done with him.

On the brighter side, I really like this guy.. if I ever talk about him on here he's referred to as Junior or Cass. Point is I like him. He shows me all the attention Ray never did and actually makes me feel comfortable while talking to him and around him. He texts me ALL through out the day, he makes me feel SO special. All I do is smile when I talk to him.. only problem is he's in the Army and next time he'll be here in Philly is in December for Christmas. I can't wait to see him so we can just hang out and chill and I can get to know him even better. I thought about him all day today :)

so Ray's been cheating on me for 2 months.
I found this out by his girlfriend who called me at 4 AM this morning from his phone. He was drunk and he was staying the night over her house and she woke him up to talk to me and he gon tell me that he found someone else and that he loves her. I mean my heart did break when he told me this but now at least it all makes sense. All the times he didn't call and all the times he didn't bother coming over anymore... I can really add up all the pieces and don't know why I didn't see it sooner. He is a fuckin coward and a liar and I can't believe I actually sat there and put up with his shit.

IF ANYONE DESERVED TO BE CHEATED ON IT WAS HIM.
I DESERVED TO HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHEAT, NOT HIM.
HE PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT.

idk it's registered in my brain but I still can't believe it.
It hurts but ima get over it... I know I can do better and I know I'll be okay.

I had a talk with my aunt earlier this week and she said to give Ray another chance. I take her advice because of my family besides my grandpa and grandma she's been with her boyfriend for about 8 years, she knows what she's talking about. I told her how Ray wants to change for the better of our relationship. She said to give him a fair chance and let him know it and this way if things go wrong again, he will know it's his fault. I understood completely so I let him know that if things don't change this will be his last chance. I love him so much and lately I been feelin like the only reason I'm still with him is because I love him.. nothing more. Sometimes love isn't enough. You'll soon realize that. I noticed a change yesterday and today...

I woke up to a text message saying "happy anniversary". (wow it's actually been 11 months... 8 great months and 3 rocky ass months)

Other than that, school's going good, I been on top of my work. I am going to start writing these 2 essays for scholarship money.. we'll see how that goes. Me and my aunt are going to go to a few open houses that colleges are offering in October. Also next week in school college recruiters are coming, that should be exciting and interesting.

so it is bad that now I realize how even though I love Ray.. it be best for now if we just don't date?

It's like... these past few days we haven't talked and I've been out having fun, hanging out with guy friends I couldn't really spend time with because I didn't want to go behind Ray's back and make him feel jealous. According to him we still 'date' but I don't view it in my eyes, I want a break and I want to relax and focus on me. I have to deal with his selfish ass all the time and now I want to do something for me. It's not as hard as I thought it would be to break away from him because after a while you get tired of the same shit and you enjoy the freedom you once had before dating. I don't need all this shit senior year, like it's my fuckin senior year and I got this in the bag! I don't want any distractions to keep me from focusing on my main goal: GRADUATING.

I liked having my space this weekend.
It was the first time I was truly TRULY happy in about 2 months.

I can't be with him unless he changes and I don't see it happening anytime soon.

As much as it hurts my heart to not be with him, my heart says leave even though my head doesn't want to believe it.